Therapy for Mothers of College age and adult children, caring for Aging Parents, Death of a parent, grief and loss. Located in Cary NC. Online therapy available in most us states. see footer for more information.
Grieving Losses and Getting Excited for a New Chapter
Building New Adult Relationships that Work
You’re Good at Taking Care of Others, But You’re Still Unsure About Taking Care of You
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Which of these sound familiar to you?
You’re searching trying to figure out what to do with your life now that your child(ren) has gone to college, gotten married, or has just left home. WHO are you now that you don’t have young children who need you to be a “mom” all of the time? You feel confused and lost, WHAT do you do now that your children have grown (or at least think they are grown)?
You know you need to rekindle your relationship with your spouse but their head is somewhere else. You know you want to make new friends, but where do you start? It’s hard to even remember what you like to do for fun. You have more time now to focus on yourself and your career, but you just don’t feel motivated. You spent so many years caring for everybody and now you feel tired and empty.
You may have parents who are beginning to need help. Your siblings can’t make decisions about your parents without getting into a fight or maybe you have been left to do it all alone. You are burning the candle at both ends and you feel stretched to your limit. No matter what you do you feel like you are letting someone down. You are trying so hard to make everyone happy but it feels like there is always someone who isn’t satisfied. You get so caught up in taking care of your parents, kids, and everyone else that you forget about taking care of yourself. Until you can’t do it anymore. You know you are breaking down physically and emotionally and you need help.
You thought there would be a day when you could stop worrying so much about your children, but now that they are older, the problems seem to get bigger. When you try to help you often end up feeling rejected, angry, and hurt. Sometimes it feels like they are so demanding (and even a little entitled), but they also seem to take you for granted. Any advice you try to give them is taken as criticism. But you are worried about some of their choices. You wonder if you will ever be able to stop worrying about them.
You try to do things to help your adult children like babysit, but after there always seems to be some kind of complaint. You want things to be better, but it feels like no matter what you do, you end up saying something wrong or making a mistake. Sometimes you feel resentful because it seems like your kids only come around when they need something. Sometimes they STILL seem to be keeping score and making sure that everything is always fair. You’re tired of being so careful about what you say so no one ends up mad at you or each other. After taking the time, money, and effort to go visit them, you get there and it feels like you are walking on eggshells. |
It Is Never Too Late to Begin Healing Your Relationships
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You always dreamed of being a mother and then a grandmother and having big, fun family gatherings, but now your son and daughter-in-law don’t seem very interested. Or maybe the new members of your family aren’t like you hoped and you don’t know how to cope with all of the feelings this brings up. You worry about why it isn’t better and you worry YOU did something wrong. You feel like your friends are tired of hearing you talk about it and you are feeling like a failure because their family relationships are so much better. Now you just try to avoid thinking about it. You are starting to dread getting together with family because it feels inevitable that someone will end up feeling hurt and angry. You try to stop worrying so much about it but you can’t. It wakes you up in the middle of the night and then you feel tired and emotional all of the next day. You and your partner can’t even talk about it anymore. You want to but you feel like they don’t understand. One minute they act like you are overreacting and you just worry too much. Next, they are telling you everything you need to do different the next time. Sometimes they tell you to “just let go of it, keep your head down, your mouth shut, and everything will work out.” You just don’t know how long you can do this and you feel like you are losing parts of yourself in the process. You know this is not good at all for your relationships. Your kids are not as close to each other as you hoped they would be and you worry that it is because of something you did (or didn’t do). You know you are being “too sensitive” but you just can’t stop feeling bad about it. You thought you were a good mother. Now you wonder if your children are just coming to see you (and each other) out of obligation and you’re worried there may be a day when they won’t want to come. This is not what you expected when you started a family and it feels devastating. Sometimes it just feels like the only way you know how to cope is to just go through the motions and try to numb your feelings. You are distracted and unmotivated at work, and you notice yourself feeling alone even when you are surrounded by other people. You know you need to stay off of Facebook because looking at everyone else spending time with their family just makes you feel depressed. You aren’t sure what to share when others ask you questions. You are embarrassed and hurt that your grandchildren seem closer to their other grandparents. What would others think about you if they knew what was going on? When you hear friends talking about their families, you feel envy because they all seem to be so close. Why is it so much easier for their family to get along? You wonder how it got this way and where you went wrong. But what does it matter if you can’t undo it? After a while, you start to notice you aren’t enjoying things as much as you once did. You feel like a pendulum swinging between beating yourself up and feeling like you need to defend yourself. Worst of all, you feel like a failure as a mother. |
Make Your Life and Your Relationships More Meaningful and fulfilling
How would life be different if you felt comfortable interacting with your daughter-in-law or mother-in-law? With therapy, you will discover what you need to do to feel better. I will help you decide what to do about these relationships so you can enjoy life again.
You want to feel proud of what you have accomplished and if you are still married, you want to feel like you did this good parenting together as a team. You CAN feel proud talking to your friends about your children and your grandchildren. I Can Help You.
When you begin to feel better about yourself, you are empowered to make the changes you need. You feel confident you are doing what you need to do for YOU and this will help you feel confident you can do what you need to for your family. You can strengthen your relationships and feel so much better even if there are some losses that need healing and some grieving you have to do. Therapy builds your belief that you are worth taking care of. Taking good care of you helps you to take better care of others, and this builds strong families.
What Will Therapy Be Like?
My approach to therapy is to provide a supportive, nurturing atmosphere where you can feel safe. A comfortable place where you learn about yourself and others, explore your history(s), and learn how to take the steps you need to build or strengthen your relationships.
My therapy approach gives you the courage you need to change because it will help you learn how to be gentle with yourself and others, how to have self-compassion, and how to forgive yourself (and others) for past mistakes.
Therapy increases your ability to look at the parts of yourself that are hard to face and enables you to do the things you need to do to improve your family relationships.
My approach emphasizes the importance of a good relationship between the therapist and the client. As you experience the encouragement, warmth and support you need, you will feel empowered to practice new relationship skills and build more fulfilling relationships with others. I will also help you learn how to manage, limit, or stay out of unhealthy relationships that you can’t change and are making you miserable.
Therapy Will Help You:
- Build a meaningful and fulfilling life after your children leave for college or move out on their own.
- Strengthen your relationships with your adult children and their partners.
- Restore your relationship with your own partner or make new relationships so you can enjoy these new life experiences together.
- Claim your next chapter in life now that you have more energy to fulfill your own wants and needs.
- Manage conflict with both close and extended family members in a way that is true to who you are and what is important to you.
- Get the most out of your relationships with your children and grandchildren.
Frequently Asked Questions
My Children are headed for college and I am taking care of my mother with Alzheimers. How do I cope with so many losses without feeling like I am drowning in grief?
This can be such a challenge. You are "sandwiched" between caring for two generations at the same time. No wonder you are feeling overwhelmed and sad. This time of life can be full of opportunity, but it is also sprinkled with so many losses. You are grieving the loss of a parent even before their death. Women often come to see me because they are struggling to cope with all of the feelings that are a part of this time of life. I can help you work through the grief, and I can also help you build new sources of inspiration and support. This is a time of life that can be very rich and fulfilling. Let's work together so we can make it that way for you.
My daughter-in-law is so fussy about what I do when I am with her children. Does she think I don’t know anything? Why doesn’t she trust me?
In-law relationships are often filled with frustration, hurt, and misunderstanding. We often sincerely don’t know what the other person wants from us. Sometimes what they ask for can feel insulting. Your daughter-in-law may be more particular than you would like and she might do things very differently than you did when you were a young mother. Often this feels like criticism and breeds feelings of competition between different generations of mothers. She may be anxious about being a good mother and this makes her want to do just the right thing as a mom. She may not think about if she should or shouldn’t ask for you to do things the same way she does.
This type of problem is a great reason to come to therapy. Therapy can help you to better understand others and their feelings/motivations. It teaches us how to effectively communicate (if and when possible). It can also help us determine when it is best to accept that another person or situation isn’t likely to change. You may need support to grieve that she is not who you hoped she would be. Therapy should be a safe supportive place for you to talk through your feelings so you can make the best decision about what to do for both you and your family. It can also help you feel better despite not having the power to change the other person and when you cannot change the situation.
How can I revive my relationship with my partner now that the children are out on their own?
This is going to vary quite a bit from couple to couple; however, all couples are likely to benefit from learning something new together. Pick something new to you both that you think you might enjoy. Try to be open to things like you were in the beginning of the relationship. Enjoying new things together feels great and often breathes new life into relationships. If there are other issues that need to be addressed, individual therapy can help you learn what you personally can do to improve your relationship. This often leads to change in the other person and the relationship.
How can I stop worrying about my Adult Children? Should I still be involved in their decisions?
I am not sure if we ever stop worrying about our children, but therapy can help us determine if we are engaging in productive thought or simply torturing ourselves with “what ifs” and things we cannot predict or control. It can be very difficult to decide when we should offer our opinions to our kids. Unless it is life-threatening, for the most part, it is probably best to offer our opinion to our adult children only when we are asked. Therapy can help us learn how to do this in a way that is comfortable for us and is received well by our child.
Care for the Caretaker
We need care ourselves while we try to take care of our parents. This can be a really difficult time. This challenge can take both an emotional and a physical toll, can cause financial hardships, and depletes our energy at a time when we already feeling overwhelmed with demands. It can be complicated by your feelings about your relationship with your parent currently and with your memories of this parent from childhood. You might find it brings up resentments and feelings that you have never talked about with them or worked through yourself. You might feel guilty and confused about these feelings that are coming up now that your parents are starting to need your care. You might be feeling scared, resentful, angry, sad, and grateful all at the same time. I love working with people who are having to care for an aging parent. This time in your life is full of tough decisions but it’s also an opportunity to work through some very difficult feelings that can help you feel better about yourself, your relationships, and what is important in your life.
Losing A Parent
We always know that we will someday lose our parents. It haunts us when we are young, but it can also surprise us when the loss of a parent hits us extra hard as an adult. This loss can be a difficult one for you to grieve because your relationship was complicated, but your feelings are important and they need to be heard and understood. If you are feeling overwhelmed, confused, and alone after the death of a parent you have come to the right place. You might feel like an orphan even though you are a grown adult. You might suddenly feel like you have lost your sense of security. It doesn’t matter why this is so hard for you. There are many reasons why you might be having a hard time after this loss. Grief often feels like a tidal wave, knocking you off your feet, and you can’t even predict when the wave is coming. You might have a complicated mix of feelings you need to work through, and you may be realizing that you can’t ignore these feelings anymore. You know it is time to do it. I can guide you through this traumatic time and lead you to a beautiful place of growth and healing.